The Weight of Shame: Why Women Struggle to Put Themselves First

In a world where women wear many hats—caregiver, partner, professional, nurturer—it’s no wonder their own needs often fall to the bottom of the list. We’ve been taught, whether directly or subtly, that taking care of ourselves comes last. And woven into that message is something even heavier: shame. Not just shame for falling short of expectations, but a deeper belief that putting yourself first is wrong. That it’s selfish.

This kind of shame runs deep. It’s shaped by people-pleasing patterns, childhood wounds, and a constant need to prove we’re enough. And yet, most women don’t even realize it’s there until they’re exhausted, resentful, or running on empty. So where does this shame come from, and why is it so persistent? That’s what I want to explore in this post—because once we understand it, we can start to unhook from it. And that shift? It changes everything.

Where Shame Begins

Shame doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It’s planted early—sometimes in childhood, sometimes through the quiet expectations placed on us as girls. Over time, it grows into a lingering sense that no matter what we do, we’re still falling short.

People-Pleasing as Survival

Many of us learn early on that love is earned, not given freely. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I’m an adult child of an alcoholic parent. For me, being helpful, being quiet, being good—those were my survival tools. Like many women, I learned that keeping the peace meant putting myself last. That habit becomes second nature, and before long, prioritizing yourself feels uncomfortable, even wrong.

Childhood Wounds and the Need to Be Enough

When you grow up feeling unseen or emotionally unsupported, it’s easy to internalize the idea that your needs don’t matter. Trauma doesn’t always look like chaos—it can look like silence, like absence, like trying to be perfect to avoid conflict. As we grow, we keep chasing approval and validation, hoping someone will finally say, “You’re doing enough.” But the truth is, we rarely say that to ourselves.

When a child’s emotional needs go unmet, it sets the stage for self-neglect in adulthood. We learn to find our value in how useful we are to others, and that cycle of seeking approval keeps reinforcing the belief that we’re not enough. Each time we ignore our own needs to please someone else, that belief sinks a little deeper.

The Stories We’ve Been Told

It may be uncomfortable to admit, but history plays a role too. For generations, women have been praised for self-sacrifice. We’ve been taught that our worth lies in how much we give. From childhood, many of us were shaped to believe that good girls are selfless, nurturing, and accommodating. That narrative gets passed down through culture, family, religion, and media. So when we begin to set boundaries or say no, it can feel like betrayal—like we’re doing something wrong, even if it’s exactly what we need.

How Shame Shows Up

Shame doesn’t just live in the past—it walks with us in the present. It influences how we make decisions, how we show up in relationships, and how we view our worth.

Guilt That Won’t Let Go

For so many women, guilt is the automatic response to even the smallest act of self-care. The moment you rest, say no, or take a break, a voice creeps in whispering that you’re being selfish. That guilt often leads to chronic self-sacrifice—putting off joy, ignoring your needs, and staying in survival mode. And the longer you do that, the harder it becomes to remember what you need in the first place.

Fear of What Others Will Think

Even when we know we’re burned out, we hesitate. Why? Because we fear judgment. We worry about being seen as lazy, self-centered, or unreliable. So we keep saying yes, overextending ourselves, and putting on the smile. We try to avoid criticism, but it comes at a cost—our energy, our health, and our peace.

The Voice Inside

Shame doesn’t always shout. Sometimes it’s a quiet hum underneath everything, whispering that you should be doing more. That you’re falling short. That you don’t deserve rest until everyone else is taken care of. These internalized beliefs are hard to shake because they’ve been with us for so long. But that doesn’t mean they’re true.

The Path to Healing

Understanding where shame comes from is powerful, but healing comes from taking intentional steps forward. Here are a few ways to start releasing that weight and reclaiming your worth.

Start by Naming It

Awareness is everything. Once you can recognize when shame is showing up, you can begin to question it. You don’t have to relive the past to heal from it—you just have to notice where the old stories are still running the show. When you can name the pattern, you take back your power.

Redefine Self-Care

Self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s essential. It’s not about spa days and scented candles (though those can be lovely). It’s about making choices that support your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. It’s showing yourself the same compassion and care you so freely give to everyone else. My Self-Love eBook and workbook break this down in a way that’s practical, not fluffy—because real self-love changes your life.

Practice Self-Compassion

This one takes time. But offering yourself kindness, especially when you feel like you’ve messed up or fallen short, is key to healing. Imagine how you’d speak to a friend in your situation—now try speaking to yourself that way. If this feels like a struggle, my Self-Acceptance guide is a great place to begin. It walks you through how compassion frees you from the pressure to be perfect.

Learn to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Boundaries are not about being mean—they’re about being clear. They help you protect your energy and honor your needs. And yes, they can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you're used to saying yes to everything. But boundaries are where self-worth lives. If you need help learning how to say no with confidence, my Healthy Boundaries workbook offers step-by-step guidance.

Consider Therapeutic Support

Sometimes, we need extra tools to untangle the deeper layers. Therapies like CBT, EMDR, and ACT can be incredibly helpful in shifting the beliefs that keep us stuck in shame. I talk more about this in my Limiting Beliefs eBook, where we dive into the stories that hold us back—and how to rewrite them.

You’re Allowed to Take Up Space

Letting go of shame and choosing yourself is not a betrayal of others—it’s a return to yourself. You are not broken for needing rest. You are not selfish for setting boundaries. You are worthy of love, care, and respect, just as you are.

If you’re struggling with guilt, people-pleasing, or the fear of putting yourself first, you don’t have to navigate it alone. As a certified coach and hypnotherapist, I help women just like you reconnect with their worth and break the patterns that have kept them stuck.

If this message resonates, I invite you to join the priority waitlist for my upcoming course, Beyond Numbing: From Survival to Self-Love Reset. This 4-week experience is designed to help you move beyond the shame that’s kept you small and reconnect with the woman underneath it all—the one who knows she’s worthy of rest, love, and peace.

Together, we’ll gently explore nervous system healing, emotional awareness, and belief-shifting practices that allow you to finally put yourself first without guilt. Because you’re not broken—you’ve just been numb. And now… it’s time to feel again.

Join the Priority Waitlist Here

With love,
Amie